I’ve been trying for years now, but to no avail. And so I’ve finally given up hoping for death threats. Instead I’ve decided to settle, if I can get even this, for a petition for my dismissal. To that end I’m putting on record, and in no uncertain terms, a dozen sure-fire grounds for dismissal from my position as a Professor of Philosophy here at the University of Lethbridge. Let’s hope at least one of them will stick.

  1. As a dedicated educator, I’m opposed to cosmetic diversity in the professoriate. 
  2. As the embodiment of patriarchy, I’m hardly a feminist. But I am an ally. And as such I’m opposed to trans-gendered athletes being allowed to compete in women’s sports. 
  3. Whatever ‘decolonisation of the classroom’ might mean, I’m agin it. 
  4. Whatever y’all think you mean by ‘indigenising the university’, knock yourselves out. But leave me and my students, including my indigenous students, out of it. 
  5. Black lives don’t matter because mattering requires a to-whom, and to me only East Indians and Italians matter because they’re the only ones who can cook. 
  6. As it happens I’m Jewish. Contrary to the likes of B’nai Brith and the Anti-Hate Network, neither anti-Zionism nor Holocaust-denial is anti-Semitism. As it happens I’m neither a Zionist nor a Holocaust asserter, but I’m very definitely an anti-Semite. And yes, it’s because of the gefilte fish.
  7. I may or may not be a racist. The meaning of the word keeps shifting, so I can never be sure. But I’m not an anti-racist. In fact I’m very definitely an anti-anti-racist. This is because the virtue signalling rhetoric of the self-righteous self-styled white anti-racist is so insufferably irritating it makes me want to lynch her. 
  8. Of the things I care least about, global warming and the minutes of last night’s city council meeting are pretty much in a dead heat. 
  9. I know nothing about global warming, and neither do you. Moreover I’m not going to learn a damn thing about it. And neither are you.
  10. Rape is a legal term, not a moral one. Juliet was thirteen. I’m not saying a thirteen year-old can’t be raped. I’m just saying she wasn’t.   
  11. None of my best friends are black. 
  12. As it happens I’m not a pedophile, but some of my best friends are.

Categories: Humour

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