TRISTAN DA CUNHA

In this brave new world of reversing the onus, you’re a racist just in case someone says you are. After all, how can you prove you’re not a racist? In fact to protest your innocence is to confirm your guilt. 

So I would counsel that the smart money goes to confessing one’s racism but wearing it as a badge of honour and a declaration of solidarity. With whom? With your accuser. Since one’s a racist just in case someone says she is, be that someone. After all, she can’t prove she’s not a racist any more than you could.

The trick, of course, is not to name the race about which either of you are racists. The moment you do that you’re in the weeds. Keep her in the deep water, and stay in the deep water yourself. If others have to guess against which people she’s prejudiced, they’ll have to guess against which people you are. But everyone accepts that everyone’s prejudiced against some people. So that you are just makes you like everyone else.

But here’s an alternative strategy. As it happens, I’m not prejudiced against blacks or east Asians or Jews. But I’m not just prejudiced against Scots. I want them all exterminated. And yes, it’s because of the haggis. But since no one would seriously advocate the extermination of all Scots, especially over nothing more than haggis, no one takes me seriously. Which means I get to express my real racism pretty much with impunity.

So next time someone accuses you of racism, pick an equally improbable target of your venom and spew with heartfelt rigour. The mind tries to make sense of what the mouth does, and so in time you really will hate the people you once only pretended to. As any psychiatrist will tell you, genuine hatred, provided it’s narrowly targeted, is the sine qua non of mental health.  

I recommend the islanders of Tristan da Cunha. There’s less than 250 of them. They can only get off the island by boat, which drops in once every three months, weather permitting. So you’re unlikely ever to have to face one of these vile sub-humans. And you can even name your hatred, since there are fewer people who are not themselves Tristan da Cunha islanders who know where Tristan da Cunha is than there are Tristan da Cunha islanders. So it will cost you nothing to nurture that hatred. And it will make you feel vindicated in case anyone accuses you of being disingenuously woke.  



Categories: Everything You Wanted to Know About What's Going On in the World But Were Afraid to Ask, Humour, Social and Political Philosophy

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1 reply

  1. It’s probably also true that few people know the colour of most Tristanian’s skin. You could be a white supremacist or you could be an anti-colonialist. Who would know? Their flag is also of no help. Even a quick google search will not give a satisfying answer.

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